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r3v.com

Godhood

r3v

I've had an epiphany. I know this may sound a little arrogant, but...

I am a god. No, really. Stay with me, this isn't an ego
thing. Allow me to explain how I came to this conclusion.

This weekend I was using my brand new Black & Decker Leaf Hog. It's a leaf
blower/vacuum power tool. I was walking along my lawn, using my "high
performance blower vac" to assault the grass with 200mph winds.

It launched leafs (my chief target), dirt, rocks, bugs, worms... anything
lighter than a VW Beetle into the air, propelling it pretty much wherever
I desired. (I didn't have a VW Beetle to test with...)

It occurred to me, as I directed my portable mini-tempest at a passing
airborne insect, that to these little creatures this must be the storm
to end all storms. I mean, they don't know much more than the present
really and the present had to suck for most of them. I'm sure the worms and
whatnot survived the assault from above... but some of the smaller life forms
had to perish in the disaster.

It was like a few weeks ago, when I was clearing my lawn of the evil
that is mushrooms.

I would reach down, grab the mushroom and give it a light tug, thereby
plucking it neatly from the lawn. From my perspective, it was a fairly gentle
process. Of course, the mushrooms probably didn't think so and I am sure
the Smurfs who lived in those mushrooms never saw it coming... or, if they did,
all they saw was a giant gloved hand reaching from the sky to pluck away their
homes and any Smurf unlucky enough to be inside.

Any Smurfs who survived probably refer to the whole thing as
Smurfageddon or Smurfnarok.

All those earthquakes and hurricanes that tend to kill us and flatten our
cities and what not really wouldn't be so scary if we were, say, a thousand
times bigger than we are now.

You see, what I'm getting at is that it's all relative. Everything. To my
neighbors I was just some guy with an annoying yard appliance but to the
worms and smurfs I massacred, I was like some vengeful deity.