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Adventures with E*Trade


Asshats. The whole lot of them. Asshats and fucktards. You might think that someone can either be an asshat or a fucktard, but not both. Well, you'd be dead fucking wrong. The diligent e*minions put in double duty so they can be both. e*ass*hat*fuck*tards. E*tards, for short.

So, why am I doing business with them? My company uses them for their Stock Option and ESPP plans. There are apparently other options (and I strongly suggest my coworkers look into them) but E*tards is the default and now I am apparently sort of locked in with them. (Fuck ME.) Recently I sold some of my stock that they were holding. First time I'd actually sold any of my options.

The problem? E*tards makes it a pain in the ass to get your money. There appear to be several options. I'll give you a quick breakdown:

  • Wire Transfer. Let's call this "Option1-FuckYou". You see, they are willing to do a wire transfer to another bank or brokerage account for you, but it will cost you $25. Ok, wire transfers are generally expensive. Fine. Whatever. Next...

  • Pay By Check. You'd think this might be the safe route since it's sorta old-school to have someone send you an actual physical check, but really this is "Option1-FuckYouStill." It costs ten dollars to have them cut you a check. That's one expensive fucking stamp.

  • Quicktransfer. Ah! Now this sounds promising, doesn't it? Let's call this one "Option3-GreatIdeaButSecretlyFuckYou." Everything in their "help" section implies that you can set up a "link" between an outside banking account and your E*tards brokerage account and easily transfer money to and fro. Actually, however, quicktransfer is only for transferring money "fro" your bank account "to" your brokerage account. You can't find that out until you go through the process of setting up the link and then actually trying to transfer the money. When I got that far only to be denied, I got the feeling that somewhere a shadowy, sinister figure was laughing. "Ha! Ha! Ha! Option3-GreatIdeaButSecretlyFuckYou strikes again!"

  • Write Your Own Check. After getting fed up with their website, and reaching near homicidal levels of rage... I gave up trying to sort this out with the poorly designed UI and the badly worded help. I called their support line and eventually spoke with an actual E*tard and found out that the ONLY free option is to have them send me a checkbook, which I can then use to write myself checks and deposit with my bank. This, my friends, is "Option4-TheRetardedCheckMethod".

  • ATM Card. Ok, checks are not the only free method. The other method is getting an ATM card that can access the brokerage account. An ATM card. So, if I want to get, say.. a couple grand, out of my brokerage account and into my bank account... I suppose I am supposed to go to the ATM and withdraw $300 a day and redeposit it over a week? "Option4b-FuckYouAndTheATMYouRodeInOn".

So, as I imagine it will take over a week to get my E*tards checkbook and that's too long, I opted for Option1-FuckYou. It took about 30 minutes to get through their buggy, poorly designed UI to set up a wire transfer. At about 90% of the way through, they warn me that wire transfer requests filed after 2pm EASTERN TIME, will be processed the next day. "Ha! Ha! Option1b-SecretAdditionalFuckYou clause is in full effect!"

Oh, apparently I can open an actual bank acount with them and link my brokerage account to that. Um, yeah... seeings how they've been such a pleasure so far AND how I am desperately NOT in the need for a THIRD bank to do business with... FUCK THAT.