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I just saw Bloodrayne. A vampire movie based on a computer game that probably only a few dozen people ever played. The game was fun, so I was hoping the movie would be too. However, as the film marched through the phases of production and I saw Uwe Boll chosen as the director, my hopes faltered.

Well, really, they fell right on their face.

So, when I got the DVD via Netflix recently, I wasn't expecting much from the movie. However, even my low expectations could not prepare me for this movie.

This movie made me wish I could take my eyeballs out and sterilize them.

The direction was as bad as can be imagined. Full of cheezy camera effects, silly slow motion and overly dramatic flashbacks. It's puzzling that they've handed over the reins of three more game titles to Boll to direct (and produce). Don't expect anything out of the Dungeon Siege, Postal or Far Cry movies.

The casting was also full of some bizarre choices. Rayne was played by Kristanna Lokken who, while pretty, proved to us in Terminator 3 that she couldn't even act like a robot. Michelle Rodriguez (aka Miss Got Her Ass Fired From Lost For Drunk Driving) plays a vampire hunter and slips in and out of the worst accent I've heard since Kevin Costner's Robin Hood. Other oddities include Michael Madsen, Billy Zane and Meatloaf... yes, Meatloaf. They somehow roped Ben Kingsley into playing the villain, as well.

I'm guessing Uwe has naked pictures of Sir Ben and a goat, or something. Though I think that might have been less embarrassing than being in this movie. (Ok, and to be fair, Michael Madsen and Meatloaf are also pretty good actors... but neither of them were properly cast in this flick.)

The movie was written by Guinevere Turner, who I really want to say nice things about because she's a writer on the L-Word, inspired the movie Chasing Amy and is Kevin Smith's ex-girlfriend. So, what can I say about her? Uh... she doesn't normally suck this bad?

The plot was transparent (and completely off from the game, but, compared to everything else, I couldn't care less about that... except at least the game was interesting) and the dialog was some of the worst melodrama I've heard in a long time. Just painful.

Bloodrayne Movie review, on a stickyHowever, the biggest problems with the movie were the special effects and the fight sequences, both of which were considerably inferior to the first season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (Sorry, Buffy fans.. but that first season was BAD.) I've seen better stuff done by amateurs on YouTube. (Serisouly. Check that link. It's kinda cool.)

Then, at the end of the movie, Uwe does the most inexplicable, weirdest, fuckin' thing I can imagine him doing... replaying all of the gory violence in SLOW MOTION so you can REALLY see how bad it is. And it turns out to be worse than you thought it was the first time. I mean.. why would you DO that?