The other night, I got into a fairly heated chatroom debate about this article on digg. Everyone agreed that it was a horrific story and felt bad for the girl. So, what was the argument about? Culture.

It started to get heated when one person began deriding all of Islam and Middle Eastern culture. Defenders stepped up to play their roles in a conversation that’s been had a million times since 2001. I was fairly uninterested, but watched the conversation scroll, curious to see if someone would say something new or different.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. Instead, I, unexpectedly, blew a gasket when someone said this of Saudi Arabia: “Their culture may seem backwards and strange to you, but ours seems just as foreign and wrong to them. It’s just a different perspective.” Several people agreed.

“Yeah, a fucked up and wrong perspective. So it is different in that way, to be sure. >.<” Those were my first words in the discussion.

I’m all about diversity and respecting different cultures. That doesn’t mean all cultures though. Some things in this world just don’t deserve respect. Things like zina’, hudud & sharia do not deserve respect. These things are some of the major elements of Saudi culture, so it, too, does not deserve respect.

I’m not lumping all Middle Eastern or Islamic cultures into one pile. This is about the Saudis and Wahhabism.

I’m also not proclaiming that American and/or Western culture is perfect. It’s not. It is, however, better than Saudi culture. It may not be politically correct to say so, but it’s true.

Via the Daily Mail:

‘Unclean’ guide dog banned by Muslim cab driver | the Daily Mail: A Muslim minicab driver refused to take a blind passenger because her guide dog was “unclean”.

Abdul Rasheed Majekodumni told Jane Vernon she could not get into his car with the dog because of his religion.

Islamic tradition warns Muslims against contact with dogs because they are seen as impure.

That’s about as far as I got in the article before I paused, flipped out a little bit inside my skull, and then went to Google to see if there was anything I could find to back this up.

Yeah, there’s a LOT to back it up.

Seems dogs are not prohibited as pets in the Quran itself, however Muhammad still didn’t think much of them apparently. Ok, so he wasn’t a dog person. It ends there, right? Not so much. Hadith, which has nearly as much of an impact on a muslim’s daily life as the Quran and Sharia, pretty much states dogs can only be used for security and hunting.

I’ve just read about five different explanations of the Islam stance on dogs and a couple of counterpoints from muslims as well, one saying that that particular hadith is fabricated. After all of it, I come away feeling that Islam is a weirder religion than I thought.

I like to think I’m pretty good with words or, at least, sufficient with them. I’m no Tolstoy, Tolkein or even Tollhouse, but I do ok. However, this modicum of talent isn’t enough to help me construct a sentence than can truly communicate how much I hate Jackass and the parties involved.

Unfortunately, it isn’t enough to just avoid watching Jackass and believe me I do, lest the bile rise so high that it spills from my eyes. See, the big problem with a new Jackass movie is hearing about it everywhere. Or rather, hearing about howso many people like it.

Jackass isn’t interesting. It isn’t clever. It isn’t charming. It isn’t funny. But it is popular.

Ok, the “funny” part is subjective, obviously. But I don’t find it funny. I mean, come on. It’s intentionally dumb. “Let’s see what happens when I get hit with a tazer. Ow!” Yeah, fucktard, it hurts. You know what? Everyone already knew that. It was designed to hurt. The same thing goes for whatever dumb ass thing they’re doing to their testicles this time around. Oh, hit them with a pool ball? Guess what? It hurts. Newsflash. Fuck.

Anyways.

So, why do so many people like it? Is schadenfreude so prevelant in American society? Or, perhaps, this isn’t an American thing. Maybe the reach of Jackass is global and it’s more a statement of the human condition that so many people are amused by such intentional retardation?

As much as I hate Jackass, it depresses me how many people like or, worse yet, love it. Seriously. I do my best not to judge people for liking it (my collection of books and dvds isn’t exactly exclusively highbrow, ya know), but it still boggles the mind and crushes the spirit.

And just for the record, not a word of this has been hyperbole, I find this shit seriously depressing. Ok, except maybe the bile thing, since I don’t know if it’s physically possible. It certainly feels like it is, though.

So, anyways, if you like Jackass or want to see it, go right ahead. Just don’t talk to me about it if you’re not up for a really frank discussion about what I think, because it’s only been out a few days and I’m tired of biting my tongue and I gotta save some restraint for co-workers.

A few days ago, papal newbie, Pope Benedict XVI was addressing some of his fans at the Vatican. In a questionable career move, he made some remarks about Islam that has really pissed off a lot of people with beards.

The Pope, addressing the press, said “Man, I didn’t think any muslims would hear me. Who knew those guys even spoke Latin? Fuck, those guys are touchy.”

Muslim nutjobs everywhere have demanded that the Pope “take it back” or they will “kick his ass.” They further demonstrated their peaceful natures by shouting, burning effigies, firebombing churches and in one case, shooting a nun who spent her life helping sick people in Africa†.

“Hoo boy! Yeah, you guys are real rational. I see that now. My bad,” the Pope responded. “Sh’yeah right.”

The slightly less nutter muslims in the world responded with more peaceful retorts. “Look, the whackjobs with the guns and all the fire and stuff don’t speak for all muslims,” one muslim chilling at Starbucks said, “besides, we’re kinda ‘we’re rubber and you’re glue’ with the Pope anyways. Christians and Catholics and whatever shouldn’t go pointing the finger about violence. Remember the crusades, anyone?”

The Pope’s manager issued a very brief statement on behalf of the Pope this morning, stating that “the big guy” regretted pissing off his muslim fans. When pressed for further comment, the manager said that he knew the Pope was working on some new material, but didn’t realize it would be so “edgy” and that they might discuss toning it down.

When asked for comment, the Dali Lama simply shook his head and said, “Dude.”

Imagine a world like Sherman’s Lagoon or Liberty Meadows where the animals read newspapers and watch TV.

INT. CROCODILE BREAKFAST NOOK - MORNING

A big, fat, white crocodile, FRANK, sits are the breakfast table reading
the paper and enjoying his morning coffee.  His wife, MABEL, is preparing
breakfast.

FRANK: Crikey!

MABEL: What now? (disinterested)

FRANK: Irwin's dead! 

MABEL: Who now?

FRANK: Steve. Steve Irwin.  You know, that blonde aussie git.  Call's
'isself the "Crocodile Hunter".  We been gunnin' for that cocky bastard
for years.

MABEL: Oh, right, right.  Who got 'im?  Lou?  John? Oh, I bet it was that
new croc' down the marsh... what's his name?  Jeb?

FRANK: Hold on, hold on. I'm readin'.

MABEL: Or was it Jed?  No! That's it, it was Zed!  Right? Or, Ned?

FRANK: What in the--?!  I don't believe this. 

MABEL: What now?

FRANK: A fuckin' Stingray got him.  That's bullshit. He was *ours*.

MABEL: What's a Stingray?

So, in case you haven’t heard the news: Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, is dead. He was stabbed through the heart by a Stingray a couple of days ago.

There are lots of people I know that are bummed about this. Frankly, I didn’t like him very much. I found him quite annoying. (I grew up with Wild Kingdom, so I’m more of a Jim Fowler fan myself.) I also thought he took unnecessary risks. Unacceptable behavior for the father of two young children, in my opinion. Do I have to even mention the croc-feeding-while-holding-his-baby incident? (Oh, look, I did anyways.)

Not that I wished him any ill will, of course. (Well, I admit to pulling for the crocs once in a while, before Irwin had kids.) However, if you liked him then be bummed. That’s ok. I’m not trying to change anyone’s opinion of him. Feel what ya feel.

What gets me, though, is that I’ve run into a few people who are “shocked” or “surprised”. Um, hello? The man took life-jeapordizing risks nearly daily as part of his job. It’s how he got famous. Seems that people just took his apparent immortality for granted. Television inspired fame does weird things to people’s perceptions of reality.

If Irwin hadn’t been famous, his obituary would have read “44 year old amateur biologist and crocodile wrestler, killed by Stingray.” The public reaction would have been more along the lines of: “No shit.”

I’d like to tell you all about a little thing I call Karma Points.

I believe most of you probably already know what Karma is and the thought behind it. However, it might be a new concept to some of you who aren’t so enlightened in nutty-crunchy-fruity-granola-new-age-shit.

Dictionary.com has a good definition of the term Karma here. The basic principle is the idea that the effects of a person’s actions determine his or her destiny after reincarnation or the next phase of life. It’s rooted in Buddhism and Hinduism.

A lot of the new-agers that have adopted the idea of Karma tend to believe that your karma impacts your fate in the here and now. It’s generally the nuttier-crunchier-fruitier version of “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”

Ok, ok. I hear you asking, “Thanks for the pointless info, now what are Karma Points?!!?!” Geeze you guys are pushy.

In the 1980s, Marvel Comics had a roleplaying game based on their superheroes. Instead of the ‘experience point’ type system that games like AD&D use, they used a system called Karma Points. Whenever your hero did something good or heroic (like defeating a villain or merging correctly in rush-hour traffic) you got Karma Points. When your character did something bad or evil (like failing to save an innocent from harm or not using your turn signal whilst using your cellphone to describe how you just cut-off another driver because you didn’t see him since you were putting on your makeup and you were afraid you were going to spill your coffee if you looked back) you lost Karma Points.

“So, what good are Karma Points besides keeping track of how bad of a good guy I am?!?1!” Would you just knock it off with all that extraneous punctuation?! Geeze that’s annoying.

Your Karma Point tally was a lot more than a just a score card. Karma Points could be used to bail you out of a tough position. Suppose you were trying to lift an SUV off the driver who flew out when she took the clover-leaf too fast and rolled her Isuzu… (why you would do such a thing is beyond me) …and the dice just aren’t with you. You could spend Karma Points to increase your efforts to superheroic proportions!

I think Karma Points may actually exist IRL (that’s “In Real Life”) and we earn, lose and spend them during everyday actions without ever actually knowing.

Stop to help that poor old lady with the broken down car? Earn 5 Karma Points! Save the last donut for your significant other? Earn 10 Karma Points! I think you get the idea. To the right is a help little table with some examples of how the reward system might work.

For example, the other day I was bit late for work and was driving well in excess of the speed limits on the freeway. I’m flying down the left lane and come up behind a white car. It’s not till I’m just behind the vehicle do I notice the extra antennae on top of the car. There were four or five antennae, not counting a regular radio antenna which I didn’t see. I didn’t even have to slow down, though, the car just eased into the #2 lane to let me pass. As it did so, I could clearly make out the symbol I was dreading. CHP. Eep!

So I cruised past the Highway Patrol officer and let my speed drop naturally to about five over the speed limit. No lights, no pissed off blue-meanie… nothing. The CHiPs dude just moved over to let me pass and that was it. I figger that cost me a good 30-40 Karma Points.

I wish I could check my Karmic Balance, somehow, so I could know when to deposit more Karma Points in the pool by doing more good deeds. Maybe if Quicken tracked Karma Points…

It’s very important to keep a positive Karma Point balance. Bad shit happens when you’ve got a negative Karma level. You’ve seen all those yahoos getting arrested on COPS, right? Those are the people with negative Karma levels.

Forget about the cowboys… Where have all the ninjas gone? I can
almost hear Paula Cole singing her soulful ballad about missing all
the ninjas that we grew to love in the late 80s.

I was playing Shogun:
Total War a while back, and after my ninja successfully gutted an enemy
Daimyo…. it struck me how cool the whole ninja thing really is. I had
forgotten, at least a little bit, about how much fun the
shadow-warrior-assassin-guy-in-all-black-with-kick-ass-funky-weapons concept
is.

Then it suddenly occurred to me… we have a major deficiency with
regards to our Ninja Quota in our media these days. Back in the late 1980s was
they height of ninja glory. Some might say that the ninja’s heyday was back in
the 1500’s, but allow me to take a moment to refute that…

I think it’s safe to say, the evidence is overwhelming. It’s obvious
that the ninja was much more popular in the 1980s. I don’t even have to
point out how many comic books featured ninjas in some way or another.

Where are they now though? I encourage you to go to the IMDb any see
for yourself. Search on ‘ninja’ in the 90s and you will see an alarming
decline in movies and television shows about the well-loved assassin. Those
movies and shows that due turn up often treat the ninja like he’s some
cute cuddly guy who kids should pal around with… not the eye gouging,
sword swinging, shuriken throwing badass assassin he should be.

Why? Why has mainstream media forsaken the once adored shadow-warrior?
I don’t know for certain, but I suspect it has quite a bit to do with the
rise in popularity of Kung Fu movies and TV shows.

I like Kung Fu as much as the next cat. I mean, any martial arts with
style names like “drunken monkey”, “flying tiger” and “big fat alligator”
is just cool.

But is it cooler than ninjas? No way! Jackie Chan has never, to my
knowledge, killed anyone with a shuriken or blowgun! Bruce Lee never
disappeared in a puff of smoke. When is the last time you saw Jet Li
carrying a grappling hook and rope as standard accessories?

I want my ninjas back, dammit.

I’ve had an epiphany. I know this may sound a little arrogant, but…

I am a god. No, really. Stay with me, this isn’t an ego
thing. Allow me to explain how I came to this conclusion.

This weekend I was using my brand new Black & Decker Leaf Hog. It’s a leaf
blower/vacuum power tool. I was walking along my lawn, using my “high
performance blower vac” to assault the grass with 200mph winds.

It launched leafs (my chief target), dirt, rocks, bugs, worms… anything
lighter than a VW Beetle into the air, propelling it pretty much wherever
I desired. (I didn’t have a VW Beetle to test with…)

It occurred to me, as I directed my portable mini-tempest at a passing
airborne insect, that to these little creatures this must be the storm
to end all storms. I mean, they don’t know much more than the present
really and the present had to suck for most of them. I’m sure the worms and
whatnot survived the assault from above… but some of the smaller life forms
had to perish in the disaster.

It was like a few weeks ago, when I was clearing my lawn of the evil
that is mushrooms.

I would reach down, grab the mushroom and give it a light tug, thereby
plucking it neatly from the lawn. From my perspective, it was a fairly gentle
process. Of course, the mushrooms probably didn’t think so and I am sure
the Smurfs who lived in those mushrooms never saw it coming… or, if they did,
all they saw was a giant gloved hand reaching from the sky to pluck away their
homes and any Smurf unlucky enough to be inside.

Any Smurfs who survived probably refer to the whole thing as
Smurfageddon or Smurfnarok.

All those earthquakes and hurricanes that tend to kill us and flatten our
cities and what not really wouldn’t be so scary if we were, say, a thousand
times bigger than we are now.

You see, what I’m getting at is that it’s all relative. Everything. To my
neighbors I was just some guy with an annoying yard appliance but to the
worms and smurfs I massacred, I was like some vengeful deity.

We’ve all heard the question before. If you had it to do over again,
would you do it differently, knowing what you know now? It’s been applied
to lives, marriages, careers and I most recently heard it applied specifically
to high school.

So, I thought about it (for about a second) and came to the conclusion that,
hell yes, I would do it differently.

I wasn’t exactly the most popular kid in school. Fairly geeky with odd
interests and few social skills. (I’m not saying I had no friends,
by the way… I’m merely applying my own status against the entire scale of
high school popularity.) I was fairly uncomfortable in my own skin until my
senior year or so when the method to dealing with school and other people
finally started sinking into my brain.

Now, with my knowledge about how people and societies work combined with my
super-keen arm-chair psychology… I’d love to take on high school again. Funny
thing is, I don’t think I’d be any more popular and I still wouldn’t get the
girl… but I would have a lot more fun.

The intricate politics and fragile egos of even the most popular kids
would make fun playthings for a kid with nothing to lose. I mean, what
could happen? I’d get left out of the popular clique? So what? I now
know two important things about that. First, I never would have made it into
the popular circle anyhow and second, I don’t want the popularity.

I’d have spoken more openly and told more people what I felt… (including
teachers). (Speaking of teachers, I’d like to take a moment to give a shout out
to the typing teacher who flunked me my freshman year. I now type faster than
you ever did and… more importantly… make more money than you ever made.
-0= dickhead.) (Not that all my teachers were bad, mind you.
I had some fucking awesome teachers in high school.)

In the end, I’d have probably left high school with the same number of
friends… but the people who didn’t like me just for being me, would have been
given really good reasons hate me.

Of course, if I went to high school now… I’d be in trouble. I’d be one
of the kids getting
harrassed
because I might match the Littleton profile.

Given all the choices tho… I’d rather not go at all.

I’d be a bad jedi. I really would. And I don’t mean bad like a
bad-ass jedi… I just mean bad.

I like to think when it came to the big things, like fighting the Empire,
rescuing princesses, killing intergalactic gangsters to save my buddy
and stuff like that, I’d do the right thing. I mean, I think it’s kind of
easy to be noble on the big things when everyone is watching.

No, where’d I’d screw up is the little stuff. I mean the everyday things.
That jedi mind trick stuff would be the real killer. I’d use it all the time.
Just think of all the possibilities.

Never have a traffic ticket again, that’s for sure.

Oh man… would I ever get through lines at the supermarket quick or what!
“You don’t want to be in front of me in line…” …all the way to the front,
baby.

I’d surely get great deals at the car dealership too! “You don’t need that
dealer mark-up. You’d be happy to pass the savings on to me.” I’m pretty
sure the A/C, CD Player and the rest of my options would be fairly easy to
finagle at that point.

I suspect the lightsabre might get me into trouble too. Anyone know if
there’s a jedi code against using it as a bottle opener?